if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
