Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
