I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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