I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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