Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
