woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
