my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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