can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
