I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
