i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
