I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
porn star boner night. come get it.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
