I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
