I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
