This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
