you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
