Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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