toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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