I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
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