I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
