I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
