Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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