she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
