I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
