beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
