Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
