I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
