My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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