im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
