you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
