I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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