Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
