I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
