He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
