My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
