I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.