you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Dating After Heartbreak
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.