guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
