Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize