Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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