I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Fuck appropriateness.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
The power of my boobs compel you
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
