just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
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Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
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I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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