i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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