I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
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i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
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She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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