How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Randomize
