im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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