Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
