If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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