drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
