Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
