dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
