: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
