I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
