I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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