I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Randomize
