is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
