I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
