We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
