Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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