I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
There's always time for handjobs
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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